Close Encounters of the Female Species
by loonyluna9
Summary: [all dialogue, HPDM slash, postHogwarts] What happens when you combine a justgothiton!Harry, a jealous!Draco, and Harry placing a temp. ban on shagging in the house? With me as the author, you really don't want to know...


**Author:** loonyluna9

**Title:** Close Encounters of the Female Species (I took the title from a line in this fic. You'll see.)

**Pairing:** Harry/Draco, who else?

**Rating:** T (for cursing and definite sexual innuendo/references)

**Dedication:** This fic is dedicated, once again, to anyone who bothers to review. Knowing people have actually read this means the world to me and gives me a nice giddy feeling inside. You other authors, you know what I'm talking about. So please review and give me that giddy feeling again.

**Disclaimer:** If you honestly think that I am the great J.K. Rowling, I will gladly call St. Mungo's so they can come to pick you up. I believe that anyone who even thinks I own the Harry Potter Emporium should spend at least a good five years in there.

**Warning:** This is **slash**, meaning boy/boy pairings. If this twists your knickers into knots, why are you in this part of the site anyway? Also, there is some serious **OOCness** in this, mainly at the end and especially with Draco. I tried to keep them in character, I really did, but they some how managed to allude my creative writing leash and went bounding down across the state to OOCville. Oh well, I tried.

**Quick Ramble:** This is my first all-dialogue fic…please be gentle when reviewing…flames make me cry so please don't try (hey, that rhymed!)…I'm a sucker for constructive criticism…I have a strange craving for ice cream right now…the usual blah-stuff, ya know?

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**Close Encounters with of the Female Species  
****by loonyluna9**

"Ah, you're back. Did you remember to get the tomatoes and milk I asked for?"

"…"

"Harry?...Hellooo? Earth to Mr. Potter…"

"Guess what happened to me at the supermarket."

"What happened? And why are you grinning like that? I haven't seen you smile so widely since last night when we-"

"I got hit on!"

"…You got hit on?"

"Wait until you hear this one Draco. It's hilarious!"

"Hilarious? How can something like this be classified as _hilarious_! You're MINE, Harry. That means all those other damn moochers better back off before I shove my boot up their arse!"

"Gee, possessive much? I'm not even finished with the story and you already look like you wanna knock the shit outta someone!"

"Well, you'd do the same thing. And what are you waiting for? Hurry and finish so I can go back and hex their balls off!"

"First of all Draco, love, there will be no need to hex anyone's _balls_ off."

"And why not?"

"Because I got hit on by a woman. A _muggle_ woman."

"A w-woman?"

"See? Told you it was funny!"

"Honestly, a _woman_! Oh, that's rich! Why a straight, intelligent female would come within even five feet of your being is beyond me."

"And what exactly do you mean by _that_? I'm good looking and have a great personality, among other things. If I didn't, you wouldn't even be dating me,now would you?"

"Oh please, how naïve can you be? I'm only with you because you're a good fuck!"

"…"

"I'm only joking Harry. Geez, lighten up."

"…"

"Harry?"

"Just for that, we're not shagging for three days, starting tonight."

"_What?_"

"You heard me."

"I said I was only kidding! Are you on a PMS overdrive or something! Your getting all pissy over nothing!"

"First of all, I don't get PMS you dunderhead. I'm not some bloody woman."

"Well you sure act-"

"And second, I don't care if you were joking and that I'm getting 'pissy'. That was still uncalled for."

"Well, this is no reason to take things so extremely and revoke our shagging rights."

"But unlike you, I…wait, look what you've done!"

"What?"

"You've gotten me so worked up now, I can't remember what I was talking about in the first place!"

"I believe it was along the lines of 'I got hit on by a woman at the supermarket'. Right?"

"Oh yeah. So are you gonna listen or not? That punishment still stands whether you do or don't."

"FINE!"

"Okay then. So I was going down the aisles, looking for the - Draco, stop grumbling."

"Well if you'd finish your sodding story, I can resume my grumbling and sulking over my sudden, temporary lack of a sex life in peace!"

"Fine, whatever. Well, I was looking for that gourmet Swiss coffee and the chocolate- covered peanuts you like so much-"

"…"

"-just minding my own business-"

"…"

"-and all of a sudden this woman, who _was_ rather pretty by the way, comes up to me-"

"..."

"-and says 'Hi. I know you don't know me and this is pretty random, but you look kind of familiar.' "

"..."

" 'You sort of remind me of that gorgeous actor I saw in a recent movie. I think his name was Daniel Rad-something.' "

"And of course you blushed and grinned like a fool. She thought it was cute, you two started talking whilst throwing in flirtatiously subtle comments, blah blah blah. Am I right?"

"…You suck all the fun out of telling a good story!"

"That's not the only thing I suck, or should I say _used to_ suck, stuff out of…"

"D-Draco-"

"What? Have I gotten you flustered already?"

"Be quiet and s-stop teasing me like that! I'm not finished!…And stop smirking!"

"Fine, I'm sorry. Go on about your close encounter with the female species and whatnot."

"Thank you. So yeah, we talked and stuff. She flirted, I flirted back."

"Yes, we established that Harry."

"Then, after about five or so minutes, she said she had to go."

"And she asked for your phone number, didn't she?"

"Yeah."

"And you didn't give it to her…right?"

"I gave her _something._"

"I don't like that look on your face Harry. What did you do?"

"…"

"You didn't give her _my_ cell phone number did you!"

"You don't have to get so panicky. Of course I didn't give her your number."

"Good, what did you give her then?"

"I just scribbled a little a message and walked off."

"Well what did it say? Stop being so cryptic!"

" 'Sorry. I forgot to mention that I'm gay and have a dead-sexy boyfriend at home. You're pretty cute, but unfortunately I'm not interested.' "

"Y-You actually wrote that and g-gave it to her?"

"Well that's what I said, isn't it? – Oh get up off the floor you prat, is it really _that_ funny?"

"Hell yeah!"

"I guess so…"

"Merlin, I wish I'd have been there to see the look on her face. I know it was priceless!"

"Yeah, imagine hitting on a gay man unwittingly."

"And, expecting a phone number, you get reality shoved in your face!"

"Hmm, it is funny. In a kind of sadistic, the-gay-bloke-wins-this-round-against-women's-defenses sort of way that is."

"But you _do_ realize that I'm starting to rub off on you, right?"

"What are you talking about?"

"That was a total Slytherin-type scheme you pulled back there."

"Was not! I was just being creative, resourceful, and…well, a bit conniving too, I suppose."

"Which means you were being a Slytherin. There's no difference Harry."

"Bollocks."

"Whatever you say. You just don't want to admit you're falling victim to the Slytherin spell…don't snort at me, you know it's true."

"…"

"…"

"Isn't there something you should be doing right now Draco?"

"Like what?"

"Like making sure no one dares to hit on me again."

"And how do you propose I do that?"

"Well, clearly people usually realize something is owned when it's marked."

"Uh-huh. Your point being what exactly?"

"I'm sure that if you mark _me_, no one will attempt this again, if you catch my drift."

"Mmmm…I love how your mind works."

"I like how your hands work more."

"Well why the hell are we sitting around here? Let's get upstairs!…Or better yet, this table will do nicely. Not sure if I can make it up to the bedroom."

"Oooh. Eager are we?"

"Just shut up and kiss me."

"Gladly…mmm."

"Mmm…oh!…ooh...wait a minute. Hold it."

"What!"

"I thought you said there would be no shagging for three days. What happened to that whole PMS tantrum, huh?"

"Draco. When you're twenty-one, have a raging libido, the sexiest man alive is laying beneath you, AND you're horny as hell, don't you think all previous arguments and promises go to hell!"

"Yeah, I suppose they do."

"So…"

"So…what?"

"So take me on this table and shag me senseless you sod! You're killing the mood!"

"Oh, right…"

"…"

"…"

-End-

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****WARNING:** Be prepared for a _very_ lengthy author's note… 

**Kelli's quick 'randomosity':** Well, lets see here. It's exactly 12:01am, I'm in my pajamas and curled into the computer chair whilst listening to Boys Night Out (an awesome Canadian band), and munching on a tamale. A damn good tamale at that. And all this is occurring while my mother is at work and I'm slowly turning into an insomniac. How interesting…

**A little notice/info:** I really wanted to put something out before I start school tomorrow. (I can't believe I'm going to high school! Eeep! Someone save me!) I know that I won't have that much time to write fan fiction once I'm caught up in school work so I kinda rushed this one. Sorry it's not that good because, as I just said, it was rather hurried. It's not exactly one of my personal favorites of the ones I'm working on, but it was the one that was nearly finished. So that's why I hurried to complete it so that I have something to show for myself. At least before I get whisked away into the glamorous world of pop-quizzes, club meetings, and slutty, snobish girls who are older than me. (Yes, sarcasm).

**A review plea:** This is my first dialogue-only fic and I'm pretty nervous about the response to it. I'd really appreciate it if some of you could offer some constructive criticism on how to improve if I ever decide to write another one (or if I even decide to delete this and revamp it if I end up despising it just that much).

**Another little notice:** Uh, what else…oh yeah! I originally had a different ending, but at the last minute I decided to lean towards a more smut-implied finish for this. I think I'll post one more chapter which will contain my other, more humorous ending. I'm not sure when I'll get that up exactly, probably within a week or two.

**A request:** One more thing: could someone please tell me what the terms 'lemon', 'lime', and 'PWP' mean? I've seen them all over the site but I'm completely clueless to their connotations.

**Quick thank-you:** I'd love to thank all the people who reviewed _For Lack of A Better Title_. All of your reviews meant so much to me. You have no idea how happy you made I was when I saw all those reviews. I was practically bouncing off the walls with excitement, lol. So thanks for giving me something to smile about, you guys rock. Free cookies and kisses for everyone!

And once again, please review. If you do, I'll give you some of my tamales. They're really good, the best I've ever had. Mexicans totally rock for creating this delicious and festive dish and I commend them. Kudos to ya!


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